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How to avoid getting your ass kicked in la Belle Province

Issued by la Québec Tourism Bureau to all visiting citizens of the U.S. and de Centre of the Universe (Ontayrio).

In order for your visit to our province to be pleasant, safe and uneventful (yes, we like it dat way) please read and adhere to de following guidelines:

We don't have an accent. We pronounce that thing "dat ting" because to make dat "th" sound we have to put de tip of de tongue on de edge of de teet, someting we refer to as "parler sur le bout de la langue", and only gay people do dat around here. You don't like it, you go to France where dey say "zat sing". Don't try to fake a Québécois accent, or we'll kick your ass.

Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at a small town cafe. It's a snack bar. Dey serve binnes 24 hours a day. Let dem cook someting dey know. If you upset de ladies in de kitchen dey'll kick your ass.

Don't laugh at the names of our little towns (Grand Mère, Coaticook, St-Jean des Ha! Ha!) or we will just HAVE to kick your ass.

Don't order french fries. We call it patates frites. Accept it. Doing oderwise can lead to an ass kicking. And you better not ask for freedom fries, oderwise God have mercy on your ass.

Don't laugh at le Rocher Percé. Anyting that inspires tourists to buy 100,000 postcards can't be bad. When you're in Percé don't point at the huge hole in de rock and make off-color jokes or we'll kick your ass.

We are fully aware of how cold it gets here in the winter, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here or we'll kick your ass.

Don't order the vegetarian special at the local diner. Everyone will instantly know that you're a tourist. Eat your hamburger steak well-done like God intended and have some poutine with dat, câlisse. You will eat poutine, and you will like it or we will kick your ass.

Do NOT mention Pierre-Elliott Trudeau, Mordecai Richler or Don Cherry as dat will incite a riot and you will get your ass kicked by a mob.

Being a québécois nationalist does NOT mean dat you have to belong to de FLQ. We are a civilised people, determined to do tings in a democratic, peaceful way. Except for de Hell's Angels, nobody plants bomb around here anymore, so stop calling us terrorists. Do not in any circumstance ever start quoting de "Just watch me" speech, or we will kick your ass so hard you won't touch de ground from here to Calgary.

Here's a quick geography lesson: dis is Nort Amarica, and France is in Europe. We're not french any more dan you are british. Don't call us french or we'll kick your ass.

Don't talk about how much better tings are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited big-city hell-holes like Detroit, New York and LA, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Air Canada flies out of de province twice a day. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.

Yes, we know dat ice fishing is "not your ting." We don't care. If you don't understand de beauty of being out on a lake when it's minus 25 degrees den you should go home and try fishing in de Hudson River. Also, don't hog the heater in the fish house or we'll kick your ass.

La Stade Olympique, home of la Washington Expos

Around here, we like to swear and no one will take offense if you say fuck, damn or shit. We don't give a flying fuck at how much it offends you, and it's useless to tell us dat it's for de children, cause we don't believe it. When you show us incontravertible scientific proof dat saying de word fuck will lead a youngster to a life of crime and drug abuse, we may reconsider, but in de meantime shut de fuck up. Don't get preachy priss wid us or we'll kick your goddamn moderfucking ass.

Don't come here and tell us dat you tink de Big Owe looks real cool, cause we hate de damn ting. It had cost us a fortune to build, it's sinking in de ground, only de gull shit still holds it togeder, de roof keeps falling down, and it would cost a fortune to demolish. If you like it so much, take it wit you. Just climb de tower, shell out your twenty bucks, enjoy de view and shut up. Saying we ought to be proud of le Stade will get your ass kicked.

Detroit my ass: Montréal is de real Hockeytown, home of les Glorieux. Here, hockey is a religion, Jean Béliveau is the Pope and Maurice Richard is God. Don't point out dat les Canadiens have ordinary offense, de worst defense in de league and have only made de playoffs twice in de last eight years or so. Don't tell us dat de Molson Center sure ain't de Forum, and dat de owner is an amarican, or we'll kick your ass. Note dat we might be lenient to Torontonians as it's probably just fair turn-around for de 20 years of abuse you had to put up from us during de Ballard era, but don't push it or we'll kick your ass too.

And to avoid furder ass-kicking, make sure you got it right: it's les Canadiens, wit an e, criss.

Last but not least: strutting around in a Bruins jersey will surely get your sorry ass kicked all de way back to Beantown.